You meet someone. They are genuinely interested in you, so they get your attention. You tease each other. You go on dates. You start talking exclusive. You both decide to give it a chance.
The fun part and the secure feeling of a relationship. You become yourself in front of them, and they do too. You feel they charm you rather than you charm them, and they feel you charm them rather than they do charm you. You Becoming more secure. They do something gross in front of you; you scold them, but then you go laugh about it somewhere else. They know you do; they do it again, and they feel more and more secure. You go ahead and do that cosmetic procedure that you always wanted to do, but thought it would make you insecure about how you look for many months. Now you feel you don’t care about it around them, which ironically and unknowingly makes you even more secure. So you accept their flaws, and you feel secure as they do too.
Your new security makes you realize that the first half of your life was not a waste and pain, but a learning experience.
Now and from now on, you feel confident and secure that you will enjoy the rewards in the second half of your life.
Secure is the keyword here; I’m sure you got that ;)
Life looks brighter
The relationship centers you. You find yourself doing what you really enjoy. You become aware of who and what you value. You identify a few core good people in your life, and you become grateful for having them. You no longer need to go out for the sake of going out, the tiring pursuit of the one….or to get a hookup…. you remember in all these three cases, you always went home to bed feeling empty and lonely. It sucked, I can tell you.
Now, you can have experiences that bring simple joys together, shared activity, or even siloed, but just their presence gives you that inner peace. You find yourself thinking, “I can finally be myself and do what I love without worrying about the other unworthy”
No more FOMO. You look at social media less and less. You have less and less FOMO. Again, you feel present in moments that are simple but joyful.
The bigger purpose. You find yourself executing more and more on your goals and dreams. You become successful, day in and day out. Now you can manage your insecurities (or anger) and have more and more time to achieve your goals.
Your newly found security gave you the power to execute on your long-term goals, making you realize that the first half of your life was not a waste and pain.
But then a major storm…
Of course, you have ups and downs. You have fights and makeups. And in the process, you don’t realize these ups and downs are actually making you best friends… and love grows. Because in a weird way, the fights and the makeups that follow get you closer. But you feel fights are exhausting if they do not lead to follow through on promises or willingness to comprise without ego involved. The storm turns into a hurricane if one or both become avoidant.
One then withdraws, and the other runs out of steam
A fallout. Now you find yourself justifying and defending; this goes around in circles — because it’s not just about you. You become clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. But again and again, you find yourself defending yourself over and over.
Owning up to it. You know you made mistakes; you know you were wrong. You were told about them in pieces, and you had your fights on them. You are self-aware but also were self-righteous. So you don’t really internalize their ask, their needs.
We are indecisive creatures who change like the wind, depending on our feelings and our thoughts. So it’s not about knowing if the relationship is truly over.
Ask yourself this
Are you losing yourself? Are you drifting from who you truly are? Do you no longer like yourself, respect yourself, or know yourself? Do you feel invisible and powerless, and have no sense of who you are anymore? Do you feel hollow? Before you answer, you have to ask yourself how many of those feelings are due to the relationship, and how many are on you and where you’re at?
If the first, ask them to work with you to change their ways, if the second ask them to help you change your ways. And if both, even better, both behaviors; you have empathy and they do to, and the relationship goes into ‘“overdrive and moves forward in a high speed’
Pains of your past unhealed wounds can still make you want to deflect what it. You are going to want to deflect because for most of us we perceive it as too painful to sit in the space ‘if I did something wrong.’
It’s a lot less painful in the short-term to maybe blame the relationship with them as the reason you feel this way
So what you do?
Own and accept yourself
Many blame their relationship because they feel they are not getting to their ideal life goals and dreams….or maybe they think they are at a lousy place in their life. If that’s your case, you have to own that and rebuild yourself and be self-aware to get rid of these insecurities.
As you do, the relationship’s dynamic will change, and you will feel joy day in and day out!
Remember that your newly found security gave you the power to execute on your long-term goals, making you realize that the first half of your life was not a waste and pain.
Don’t. Just. Wait
Do something. There’s nothing worse than leaving something (or someone) knowing you could have done more. It’s heavy, and it sucks.
Breathe, reflect, forgive and evaluate, post sad, draining, tense emotions.
4 Foundations of every healthy relationship
To know whether you are compatible with someone, you have to know who YOU really are. After all, how you would that X is compatible with Y if you don’t know what X really is. Self-awareness is being aware of your thought processes: your thoughts, how they affect your emotions, and how emotions cause you to act.
How can we love the next person effectively before we have learned to love ourselves unconditionally? When you accept/love yourself conditionally, you cannot love another unconditionally, because why give someone else something you do not have? Self-acceptance works wonders. Once you start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying about what others think and become more spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you both to be authentic. You both can finally relax, and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen. And naturally, your partner feels accepted. And as your partner feel accepted, they will naturally be receptive to your needs in their pace of working on their flaws.
You may think you learn a lot about a person’s values and compatibility level by observing them, but you need to communicate. Open up to one another and share those goals and hopes. Be candid and convey the boundaries and limitations which safeguard your happiness.
The ideal form of forgiveness involves the choice to not take offense in the first place. This means you are prepared to forgive in advance of a specific trigger. But that requires you to be entirely present, which could be a rewarding life journey in its own right. Until then (and as you get there), go ahead, feel upset with them. But after a moment or two, notice how your hurt and anger do not feel right. After seeing the results of forgiveness in action, you would choose to let go of a new grievance fairly quickly.
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